Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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