I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
high people should be assigned attendants
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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