I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
