1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
