peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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