i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I met the friendliest cop last night
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dicks are not precious.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
