definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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