Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize