I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
