Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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