you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
