Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
