Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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