FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
tell me about the eggs
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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