I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
