my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
