Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
