I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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