So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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