i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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