oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
