**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
