How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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