I heard we made out
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
