dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I currently don't understand fingers.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize