Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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