i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize