lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
