After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
