How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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