So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Your penis caused this!
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