He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
