I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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