Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
