so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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