Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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