his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So many bounce houses so little time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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