I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
