If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All I want is dick and wine.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
