i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Success! We fucked roommates!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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