too bad you live with your parents still
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
