NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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