Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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