Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
