Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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