just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
