I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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