Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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