Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
