i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
