can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
