I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
