guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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