she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
