Yo dont text me then not text me
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
