I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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