So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
