sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
