You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
