I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
